C. C. Harrison Weblog

March 7, 2008

10:35 a.m. I’m reading Gerald G. May’s book, Will and Spirit. I’m not just reading it. I’m feasting on it, basking in it, being so blessedly informed and enlightened by the truth God is conveying to me through Jerry’s inspired thoughts. I am so grateful for the gift of his love for understanding and sharing the comprehension and insight he was gifted with.

I’m so grateful for people like him. Him and C.S. Lewis, and Thoreau and Emerson, and Willard and so many others. I am so grateful for those who not only love to read and appreciate this kind of subject matter (the inner heart and its hunger to connect, to transcend, to comprehend, to appreciate and love), but were given the urge and the opportunity to record and share their thoughts.
It feels like all their thoughts are really the thoughts of God. The light they channel and reflect and sparkle with is His Light—and Christ is the One, the Truth in and through all things. It is His Spirit, His Truth, His Light, His revelation to each of us to whatever degree and on whatever subject we seek the truth with affinity and appreciation (with love).

And I am left with a terribly painful situation, . . . or so the Spoiler would have me think and feel. I long to be in touch with minds like these in a more dialogic way, but they are all dead–passed on. I do not know why I sorrow. I have their writings. I could (and do quite often) dialogue with them through this long-distance conversation that often feels like an ongoing relationship.

What other recourse do I have? What else is there that I long for?

I long to have someone in the present with whom to converse and discuss and enjoy and rejoice and delight in these things. And, I guess, if I were honest–someone to “show off” in front of by pouring out all the thoughts that come to me as I read. Many of those thoughts are good, but some of them are brilliant—or so it feels to me, . . . but then, they are my thoughts and maybe they are just brilliant to me in some narcissistic, self-enjoying way.

I don’t feel like it’s my “self” that I’m enjoying, though, because I truly do feel like all wisdom and brilliance and insight and inspiration comes from God, not from any one of us mortal challenges–including me. So it is not myself that I want to “crow” about or rejoice in, but in God.

I am reminded, as so often, of Ammon in Alma 26. He wanted to go on and on to Aaron, his brother, about the amazing things that had been accomplished in the missionary efforts they had just finished. But he wasn’t wanting to praise the works of any mortal–not himself or others. He was wanting to go on and on about what had been done, because he recognized that it was all God’s doing and none of theirs.

And that’s how I feel about reading and rejoicing in “wisdom literature,” of any era or culture or even religious persuasion. If there’s truth in it, I want to glean it out, savor it, rejoice in it. And if in doing so, some new (or even renewed) extension of inspiration happens to come into my own mind–I am not trying to lay it out there to show off, but to relieve myself of the “burden” of yet another portion of God’s amazing goodness and grace.

But what do I do? I can’t find anyone who has the time or freedom to do this with me. It feels like everyone (especially in our culture) is caught up in doing all the extended family, intensive care-taking, obsessive-compulsive achieving that is the only way of life we consider worthy or successful.

This is an ongoing quest that keeps me always longing for response, for dialog, for communion, for fellowship, . . . so I put it up here on this “board.” Maybe someone will find these thoughts–they feel like messages in bottles cast out onto the vast sea of the world-wide web.

CH

Prayer and Meditation (for me) is not an emptying of my mind, but rather a filling of it with mutual respect for my truth and God’s . . .

February 22, 2008

I’ve been reading texts, lately, that either skirt the edges or plunge right in, “head, shoulders, knees and toes,” to the forms of meditation that are practiced and taught by the “Eastern” spiritual traditions (Buddhism, Hinduism and such).

This morning, during my first prayer of the morning, I was upstairs–far enough removed from Phil, that I could pray aloud without concern of being heard. I took advantage of that and I felt a powerful increase in my spiritual awareness. As I turned to the Spirit of the Lord, seeking understanding, I seemed to see in my inner vision that this was the very reason He sought solitude so often. In other words, He didn’t go out alone in order to practice an emptying of His mind, but rather to practice a mind-full discourse–a mutual interaction or conversation–with the only God above Him–with His Father in Heaven.

He went out alone so that He could have the freedom to speak aloud as much as He wanted and as whole-heartedly, as passionately as He wanted. So that He could express His emotions–and use His physical capacity for vocalization to do it. In other words, so that He could exercise the “added upon” blessing of having a physical voice, as well as a still, small, spiritual (internal) voice.

I have never seen vocal prayer with this depth before or understood its value and the meaning of its experience,

The form of meditation so often takes for me is not one of emptying my mind and experiencing totally thoughtless loss of self, but of letting my mind fill up with the truth—my truth that needs to be expressed to God, and His Truth that I need to allow Him to express to Me–that we might become of one heart and one mind. His Truth always encompasses my truth and puts it in perspective.  This is what I often mean when I speak of feeling His arms surrounding me.  Cleaving to Him means I am coming to realize that I am willing to trust Him with all my feelings, all my truth, so that He might trust me with as much of His as I can understand at this point in my spiritual maturity.

This morning, between 4:30 and 6:00 a.m., it came to pass that I woke up and began to address my thoughts to God. I perceived His invitation to take the opportunity to go upstairs to one of our empty rooms, and spend some time “in retreat” with Him. I got up, dressed, took my scriptures and went upstairs, leaving my office and the rest of the house and all the “of this world” distractions they represent.

First I knelt by the bed in the front bedroom. Then I sat on the bed and began to record my thoughts to the Lord and His thoughts back to me, as I could most sincerely perceive them. What follows here is a record of the conversation I experienced. It is made in the weakness of my own language. I share it here, with whoever is interested, because I feel His invitation to do so. Please know that I have no assumption or intention of doing anything but to attempt to demonstrate that it is possible to frame the acquisition of wisdom and insight as a direct dialogue with the Lord Jesus Christ and with Heavenly Father. I know that the scriptures cannot be interpreted in only one way–have one “private” interpretation. I just long, with all my soul, to testify that He is this close and this humble–that He will converse with a very weak and imperfect human being. I know. I have lived it.

***
Father in Heaven, I am being so tempted to feel negative about myself, this morning, because of my imperfect weight. It is so not perfect, not worthy, not admirable. It is so hard, but I am trying to be willing to choose not to give into these negative thoughts and get swallowed up in despair. Lord, please counsel me!

The words come to my memory from the scripture, “perplexed but not in despair.”
GO AND LOOK UP ANY SCRIPTURE I RECALL TO YOUR MIND, SO THAT I MAY MORE FULLY OPEN THEM TO YOU AND LIKEN (APPLY) THEM TO YOUR LIFE.

2 Corinthians 4:8-9 — We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down but not destroyed;

READ ON TO VERSE 10 TO UNDERSTAND HOW IT IS YOU CAN KEEP FROM BEING “DRUG OFF TO THE SECOND PLACE” AS NAN TAUGHT YOU THE METAPHOR SOME TIME AGO.

I see, Lord. To be troubled is the “first place.” It is the adversary’s first effort to get to me. And if I will let him, he will drag me off to the “second place.” He will draw me down from “troubled,” into despair.

EXACTLY.

2 Corinthians 4:10 — Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body.

It is challenging to see through this archaic language, Lord. It sounds confusing.

LISTEN TO ME. I WILL TRANSLATE IT FOR YOU.

ALWAYS BEARING ABOUT IN THE BODY = ALWAYS KEEPING IN REMEMBRANCE.
THE DYING OF THE LORD JESUS = THE SACRIFICE AND
SUFFERING I WENT THROUGH FOR YOUR SAKE.

THAT THE LIFE ALSO OF JESUS = MY LIFE, MY SPIRIT

MIGHT BE MADE MANIFEST IN OUR BODY = MIGHT ALWAYS BE WITH YOU.

Lord, it sounds like You are recalling to my mind the words of the Sacrament prayer: “That they might always remember Him, that they might have His Spirit to be with them.”

THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I’M REFERRING YOU TO.

And so the way to be troubled, but not let it cause me to slip into despair is to remember You at that moment, and in the remembering of you, I am indicating that I desire to have Your Spirit with me.

BY THINKING OF ME, AND EVEN MORE “IN THE MOMENT,” THINKING UNTO ME, YOU ARE MADE CONSCIOUS OF THE REALITY THAT ALREADY SURROUNDS YOU, BUT THAT THE LIAR WOULD HAVE YOU FORGET AND/OR IGNORE–THE REALITY THAT I AM ALWAYS WITH YOU THROUGH MY LIGHT WHICH RESIDES AT THE VERY CORE OF YOUR BEING–IN THE HOLY OF HOLIES OF THE TEMPLE YOU ARE.

But, Lord, I am so troubled and perplexed about so many things. I am so tempted to feel persecuted and abandoned. I get so hung up, so slowed down if not downright dammed up by these feelings.

COLLEEN, YOU MUST ACCEPT THAT WHILE YOU ARE TEMPORARILY UNDER THE VEILED, CHALLENGING CONDITIONS OF MORTALITY, YOU CANNOT AVOID FEELING TROUBLED, PERPLEXED, OR EVEN PERSECUTED AND CAST DOWN. WHY? BECAUSE THE TRUTH IS YOU ARE ALL THOSE THINGS IN MORTALITY.

I see. My having those feelings does not mean that I am doing anything wrong. Having them is part of being mortal, of being in a world where the Liar is so hard at work on me directly (troubled and perplexed), and on me through others stumbles and falls (persecuted and cast down). I don’t have to let the Liar try to get me to feel distressed because I feel troubled. I don’t have to go with him into despair because I feel perplexed, etc.

EXACTLY.

And the way I can avoid doing that is to look to You. To think of Thee–bear Thy dying (Thy sacrifice to save me from the Liar and his lies) about with me in my body (my mind), so that You can rescue me. I see, I need to turn to Thee in those moments of trouble, perplexity, persecution (victimized) and abandoned (cast off,) so that You can know my desire to have You apply your atoning, saving power to me, so that You can cover me in Thy mercy and Thy grace and rescue me from the enemy of my soul–from the Liar and the lies he tries to entice me with.

I see that as I look to Thee in those moments–even if they last for hours–that I feel troubled, perplexed, persecuted and cast off, You will rescue me from being drug down into the gulf of misery that the Liar continually tries to prepare for me.

I am being reminded of a verse of scripture by those words “the gulf of misery.”

GO LOOK IT UP. IT’S THE NEXT OPENING INTO MY COUNSEL TO YOU.

Helaman 3:29 — Yea, ye see that whosoever will may lay hold upon the word of God, which is quick and powerful, which shall divide asunder all the cunning and the snares and the wiles of the devil, and lead the man of Christ in a strait and narrow course across that everlasting gulf of misery which is prepared to engulf the wicked—

DO YOU SEE, COLLEEN, THAT THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE EXPERIENCING IN THIS HOUR, BY BELIEVING AND RECEIVING AND EXPERIMENTING UPON JOSEPH’S TESTIMONY THAT IT IS POSSIBLE FOR A PERSON TO CONVERSE WITH ME AS ONE MAN WITH ANOTHER? YOU ARE LAYING HOLD ON THE WORD OF GOD, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW, IN THE MOMENT OF YOUR NEED FOR IT. THIS IS THE WORD THAT IS “QUICK AND POWERFUL” TO STOP THE EFFORTS OF THE LIAR TO USE HIS LIES (SNARES AND WILES) AGAINST YOU. WHEN YOU TURN TO ME, ADDRESS YOUR TEMPTATIONS TO ME–THOSE MOMENTS WHEN YOU FEEL TROUBLED, ETC., . . . INSTEAD OF TRYING TO FEND THEM OFF ON YOUR OWN—THEN YOU DEMONSTRATE THAT YOU DESIRE TO BE A WOMAN OF MINE, OF CHRIST–AND I AM ABLE TO GIVE YOU THE COUNSEL AND COMFORTING WORDS YOU NEED TO KEEP YOU SAFE FROM BEING LED INTO “THE GULF OF MISERY,” (DISTRESS, DESPAIR, ETC.)

Lord, I cannot believe how many years You have labored with me, waited upon me, exercised such patience and mercy toward me, trying to get me to see that I do not have to do anything of myself, by myself—that I do not have to fend off these feelings on my own. Yet, I keep doing so. Why? Why?

IT IS PRIDE, COLLEEN. REMEMBER, IT IS THE UNIVERSAL SIN. THAT MEANS THAT YOU HAVE IT–OR AT LEAST THE TENDENCY TOWARD IT–EVERY MOMENT THAT YOU ARE SUBJECT TO THE LIAR’S EFFORTS TO ENTICE YOU AWAY FROM ONENESS WITH ME.

And I see, there is nothing I can do with my tendency to pride. I see it is yet another reality of mortal life, just like being troubled, perplexed, etc.

IT IS TRUE. IT IS.

And it does no good to be ashamed or angry at myself that I have that tendency, or try to pretend or deny to myself or others that I don’t have it.

NO, IT DOESN’T.

All that does any good is to do the same thing with it–with pride–as with the other things. Turn to Thee and confess it to Thee and let Thee deliver me from it.

EXACTLY.

GOOD LISTENING, COLLEEN!

I love Thee, dear Jesus.

I LOVE YOU, TOO, COLLEEN. BE OF GOOD CHEER. STAY CLOSE TO ME THIS DAY AS YOU GO THROUGH ITS CHALLENGES AND ITS ADVENTURES. I WILL DIRECT YOU FOR GOOD. REMEMBER WHERE TO TURN IN THOSE MOMENTS OF PRIDE, OF DISTRESS, OF PERSECUTION AND ABANDONMENT BY OTHERS. I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU.

I am remembering a scripture.

I AM REMINDING YOU OF ONE. “I AM WITH YOU ALWAYS, EVEN UNTO THE END OF THE WORLD.”

It’s in Matthew 28:20. You were speaking to the apostles.

I WAS SPEAKING TO ALL WHO WOULD BELIEVE AND RECEIVE ME (MY SPIRIT, MY WORDS) IN THEIR MINDS AND HEARTS.

Thank You, Lord.

Thank You, Heavenly Father, for sending me Thy Beloved Son to counsel me in all my doings.
Lord, I am feeling such a desire to share this outpouring of Thy living reality with others. But I don’t know how to do it. I keep trying to think of how to disguise Thy words and voice in some literary form, but months have turned into years, and nothing is given to me–except more conversations.

GO AHEAD AND PUBLISH OUR CONVERSATIONS, COLLEEN. REMEMBER WHAT PHIL KEEPS TELLING YOU–THAT NOTHING HELPED HIM MORE TO EXPERIMENT UPON THIS EXPERIENCE FOR HIMSELF, THAN TO HAVE YOU SHARE SOME OF OUR CONVERSATIONS WITH HIM, UNDISGUISED.

Lord, I place my life in Thy hands, and offer these things with no desire except to bear testimony to all the world that we are all–each and every human soul–able to counsel with Thee–in other words with the Spirit of Truth, of Peace, of Hope, of Mercy, of Wisdom–right within our own, individual hearts and minds.

I desire nothing but to testify to all who will hear, that addiction is the devil’s way of keeping us from turning to Thee and crying out to Thee and finding out that You are there, and that You will hear and answer (literally) our words to Thee.

In the Name of Jesus Christ, I share this testimony, this day. Amen.

AND AMEN.

March 18, 2007 (Sunday)
8:00 a.m. I have to leave for church in 50 minutes. But I have to do a ten minute timed writing. I can’t tell you how excited I am about what I’m learning from Peter Elbow in his book, Writing Without Teachers.

It is so freeing to me personally and it so amazingly applicable to the 12 Step program/process!! I am so amazed at the revelations of Truth that this book is the channel of for my sake. And for the sake of others through me, who are ready and willing to hear the Lord through me.

I’m hearing the Lord through Peter Elbow.

I need to put my contribution out there—the material that the Lord calls me to, sets me on fire with, and sets on fire in me–so that others, when they are ready, if they choose to, can hear the Truth speaking to them through me.

That’s who is really speaking any time the truth is conveyed from heart to heart. The Truth. God.
When you want to underline something. When something I say stands out to you, that is God highlighting that thought to you. That’s your thought. Your doorway into more understanding, if you’ll just write about it.
The things you underline are the “dots” you need to connect with your own words, your own thoughts and reflections and yes—your own “insights.” That’s a polite word for revelation, by the way—insights. We don’t come up with “insights” on our own. God whispers them into our minds.
And they’ll start coming to you for you. They’ll be tailor made to your life and your needs for guidance and comfort. That’s what the Lord will do for you.
But you’ve got to write a lot.
Literacy is a gift from God. To be able to read the words of others. Embedded in those words are the words God wants you to pick up on and pick up and carry into your own life.
Literacy is a gift from God–to be able to write down your own thoughts, so that you can preserve them and look back at them and make sense of them. So that you can see the themes, and the connections and the highs and the lows. So that you can see the insights. So you can get the dross out, and keep the gold. At first the gold might just come in specks, flecks, dust. Gold dust. But do you know what a pound of gold dust is worth? The same thing as a lb of gold nuggets.
Write out a sentence or a phrase or even just a word, and then start writing about it. You don’t have to know where you’re going with it. The Lord’s going to take you somewhere with that word or phrase or sentence or verse, if you’ll just let Him.. If you’ll just pick up your pen and start pouring out your truth, you’ll find out that His Truth is also waiting deep inside you to come to the surface.
Remember He said, Himself, that the Kingdom of God is within you. His Kingdom. His place. His throne. Believe it and open it up and let His Presence come to His temple–into you, into your heart, into you mind.
After you’ve written for 10 or 15 minutes at the most, quit. Really, do not go longer than that. Then, go back and read what you’ve written and let Him highlight the words, phrases, whole sentences that stand out to you. Those are the gold flecks and specks. You’re onto something! You’re finding the motherlode, I promise you. The flecks will become specks and the specks will become small nuggets, and before you know it, you’ll be rolling in gold.
You’ll have so much gold, you’ll never want for anything again. You’ll feast upon the words of the Christ, and you’ll be so filled, so satisfied, so safe, so guided and fortified, that temptations will have no power over you. You’ll have no more inclination, no more need to follow their lying enticements. I promise.

I share this testimony with you out of the Spirit of Truth that is upon me, and in the Name of the One who is the Truth, even Jesus Christ, Amen.

–15 minutes–

September 3, 2007
4:41 a.m. At my desk. Feeling pretty crummy, energy wise, but unable to sleep. Began thinking unto the Lord, picturing , believing that He is, through the Spirit, with me, “in me,”—close enough that I could talk to Him in my mind—and He was paying attention. As I did that I felt a portion of energy come into my soul (mind and body) and a sense of purpose or direction to get up and come to my desk and turn on my computer.

Continuing to think unto the Lord, offering to go and do whatever He would have me do–willing to be led–not presuming anything–trusting whatever thought comes into my mind that won’t cost me my temple recommend–I begin to follow, like a little child–with wonder.

Where will He take me? What will He show me, invite me to ponder (i.e. to think unto Him about and to receive further light and knowledge about), to receive insights that are beyond anything I would/could come up with on my own. Insights that are amazing even to me and enlightening to my understanding, giving me to comprehend life and feel patient and loving toward it (toward myself and others and all that has happened and will yet happen in my life.) These things would never come into my mind, if I were just sitting here “mulling” things around on my own, not “looking to God,” not seeking His counsel. His counsel brings comfort as He helps me see beyond my own limited perspective.

I don’t know why this is considered such a strange or extreme or even questionable way to conduct one’s thought life. It’s actually one of the most central and basic doctrines of the LDS Church–of the Restoration. It is nothing more or less than believing and practicing the doctrine of Christ, which is the doctrine of oneness with Him, even as He enjoys oneness of heart and mind with the Father.

The prophets and scriptures testify to us that He has actually been with us through the phenomenon that we call “the light of Christ,” or in everyday, universal terms, our “conscience.” His voice, His Spirit is our conscience. We’ve been hearing His counsel ever since we perceived the first conscious impression to behave in keeping with any of His teachings.

“For behold, the Spirit of Christ is given to every man, that he may know good from evil.” (Moroni 7:16.)

“Wherefore, I beseech of you, brethren, that ye should search diligently in the light of Christ that ye may know good from evil; and if ye will lay hold upon every good thing, and condemn it not, ye certainly will be a child of Christ.” (Moroni 7:18.)

My heart breaks to see people seeking recovery from the fall, and yet so afraid of this gift, of this effort on the part of the Father and the Son to keep them close and guide them safely through the darkness and confusing influences of this world. I feel so sad that people think that personal communion and guidance from God is a now and then thing, reserved only for big events or perfect people.

There is nothing about the ministry of our Savior that even hints of His avoiding conversing with and offering His counsel and comfort to imperfect people. Nothing.

“What if I hear something wrong? What if something in me gets in the way of hearing the right impression/answer/thought?”

My reply to that is, what if you do? So, you’ll make a mistake and you’ll learn from it. It’s like playing a piano and hitting a “sour” note. You’ll hear it, feel it. And your loving Teacher–your Savior, your Jesus–will smile and love you and help you correct it. And you’ll go on practicing and you’ll get better and better at hearing and performing the best notes.

You have the ten commandments and the temple recommend interview to guide you. Like I said, earlier, I have come to realize that there’s a multitude of things that I can feel safe feeling led or impressed to do in any given hour—like sit here and think (receive) and record these thoughts, this morning—that isn’t going to threaten my temple recommend.

So, anyway—just some thoughts about the “mechanics” and the everyday experience of what it means to counsel with the Lord–what it looks like and feels like in the moment and act thereof. It’s not rocket science. It’s not a secret. It doesn’t take genius. It actually takes blind (veiled) trust of God’s goodness. That if you turn to Him and start thinking your thoughts–whether they be “worthy” or “unworthy,” faithful or fearful—whatever–unto Him, He’ll not be offended or draw away from you. He’ll give you impressions (counsel and comfort) and the energy to follow them.

Thanks for receiving (reading) my sharing. I pray always that the Lord will gift me with the opportunity to testify of His living nearness and loving involvement in ALL of our lives. In the Name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Colleen

Some people have acclimated so well to this lower glory–this telestial glory. This glory that is based on practical, physical performances and possessions. This glory that is sufficient for so many people needs, while it leaves other souls nearly undone with confusion and longing.

Meanwhile, there are the addicts–those among us whose sense of acclimation here, in this life, is so minimal that we feel like we’re so weird, so different, so unsuccessful at doing what acclimated, level-headed people do that we want to scream and run–run as far away as we can. We ache so bad down deep inside that we just can’t pay attention to the “game of life,” and play with enough concentration and consistency to win any approval, much less any prizes. And if any of our kind do choose to compete in the game of life, to seize hold of a talent or ability, we usually develop a strangle-hold relationship with it, drowning ourselves in it. In other words, even then we are not really demonstrating true acclimation with this world, but only an almost “idiot-savant” sort of phenomenon–an intensity and brilliance of performance that we can’t maintain indefinitely. In that area we shine, we excel, and attract the attention of others,even the adoration of others–which only serves to drive us deeper into despair over what a fraud and an alien we know ourselves to be.

While others are adoring us, filling up on the delight they get from watching us perform so well–whether it be in the arts, in the sciences, in management, hailing us as geniuses, we are even more aware that nothing of this world–even acclaim for our talent–makes any difference in how lost and lonely we feel. Nothing does. Nothing. Nothing. How many times can it be written to be sufficient? There would be no limit to how many times it would need to be written, because no amount of anything we do makes the emptiness and loneliness and terrible neediness go away.

We do every thing we can to follow any lust we feel, thinking that surely this must be the need that is burning us from within, that leaves us feeling like an empty shell–an empty universe, a black-hole–within.  As long as we obsessively look outside ourselves, turn our faces to something or someone out there, we can pretend to be functional. But the second we turn our perception, our attention, our awareness inward, we are confronted with this infinite void, which absolutely nothing in this physical, mortal, temporal, carnal world can satisfy or fulfill

And so, one way or the other, we end up confusing and disappointing our family and friends who are acclimated to earth-life, who can live on borrowed light, borrowed truth, who seem perfectly satisfied with second-hand reports of God and Heaven from a handful of people who have experienced their veiled reality. But we “addictive personalities” can’t seem to do that. It isn’t enough for us. We have to make conscious contact with the Divine ourselves or we will reel and crash and burn—and take our dearest loved ones with us into hell.

We must know for ourselves. We are the rebels. We are the difficult children. The challengers, the questioners. We are the restless ones, the ones that aren’t able to be satisfied with just working for God at a distance–serving in his church or serving others and being satisfied that doing so is as good as sitting at His feet, leaning on His knee, cleaving to Him, laying on His bosom, perceiving His voice, feeling His Spirit, being in His presence. We just don’t get it–how so many can live on so little direct, personally experienced contact with Him. We love them. They are our family members, our loved ones. We long to be like them, but we’re not. And we’re the troublemakers, the troublesome ones. We’re the ones who can’t be satisfied until we have seen for ourselves. We’re the ones that have to be first-hand witnesses of God, or we are lost. We are people who must have “it all,” or nothing else will make any difference. We must have Him come to us and encircle us in the robes of His very own righteousness or we cannot survive. We are the addicts.

I Will Not Leave You Comfortless. I Will Come to You.

In the original Greek translation of the New Testament, the word “testament” would be more correctly “covenant.” In the light of the Restoration of a fullness of Christ’s gospel (good news) through the Prophet Joseph Smith, it could be more correctly understood that the New Testament was the account of a renewed covenant, one that Christ made with His premortal brothers and sisters “in the beginning,” before this world was created: “I will not leave you comfortless. I will come unto you.” (John 14:18)

Similarly, The Book of Mormon represents a second witness of that covenant that the God of Israel made with His brothers and sisters, who He had recently qualified to seal up unto Himself as Sons and Daughters, He having received a fullness of “the Father’s” glory. (“Father” being used here as a Name-title signifying a parent-level degree of service and glory.)

The Book of Mormon represents story after story in which is illustrated the fulfilment and thus the renewal of the new and everlasting covenant: “I will not leave you comfortless. I will come unto you.” (John 14:18)

This is the same covenant represented in the temple. He will come to us. Sometimes through the medium of others He has sent. But that arrangement is only temporary, preparatory. He has given His word. He will come Himself to all.

“I will not leave you comfortless. I will come to you.”
What we do not realize is that He is coming to us in every form of comfort that does not simultaneously deceive and enslave us. What we do not realize is that all of these sources of comfort and genuine encouragement are just thinly made veils for Him. He stands within and just behind every one.

“I will not leave you comfortless. I will come to you.”
And that is the message of the Book of Mormon. Whether applied to whole societies, whole nations or to one single individual person at a time, the Book of Mormon is created of both kinds of examples. The promise is made to Israel as a whole and to single members of Israel individually–faithful members like Nephi or deceived, rebellious members like Alma the Younger. Somewhere in the premortal life He covenanted with all of us to not leave us comfortless, but to come to us–each and every single one of us.

If we only realized that the Holy Ghost is the beginning of His coming, the precursor. The Holy Ghost is the Infinite Witness of which John the Baptist was a type and shadow. No living entity within the knowledge of the mortal human family of man more perfectly describes the role of the Holy Ghost than John did in uttering these words:

Whom think ye that I am? I am not [he]. But, behold, there cometh one after me, whose shoes of [his] feet I am not worthy to loose. (Acts 13:25)

I indeed baptize you with [my Oneness with Him], upon your repentance; [but] when he of whom I bear record cometh, who is mightier than I, . . .whose place I am not able to [totally] fill. . . . I indeed baptize you before he cometh, that when he cometh he may baptize you with . . . fire. (paraphrase of JST Matthew 3:38)

The Holy Ghost is the perfect emissary, the perfect medium through which Christ communicates (John 16:12-14; 2 Nephi 32:3) the renewal of His promise to all those who come to the Father seeking His only begotten Son to be their personal Savior. These are they who the Father hath given to Christ to be His seed (Mosiah 14:10; Mosiah 15:10-12), to be the children of Christ. (3 Nephi 15:24; D&C 27:14; D&C 50:41-42).

D&C 50:41-42 Fear not, little children, for you are mine, and I have overcome the world, and you are of them that my Father hath given me; 42 And none of them that my Father hath given me shall be lost.

And who was it that the Father gave Him to be His own “little children”? Because of our knowledge of supreme principle of agency we know that it was we who chose to be His. The Father’s giving of us to Him was a ratifying of our own choice. (Please turn to and study Mosiah 26:26; Alma 29:4; Helaman 3:29; D&C 88:32; D&C 121:41 for a crash course in just who is in charge of what you are allowed to experience and receive.) We wanted to be His own. Like Lehi, we followed Him here (1 Nephi 8:6-7) into this dark and dreary waste that mortality seems when compared with the celestial glory we left to descend (fall) into mortality for a season. And though it may seem we are lost and the adversary, Satan, will do all he can to convince us we are abandoned by God, we are not. We have Christ’s own promise that we are not, as we just rehearsed in D&C 50:41-42.

The “large and spacious field” which Lehi saw once he had cried out unto the Lord, was the same “dark and dreary waste” that he had been caught in before seen now through the attending Spirit of Christ. And with this new perspective and attitude, Lehi was able to see the Tree of Life whose fruit was desirable to make one happy. Christ is the Tree. The fruit is His pure love, it is the result of clinging to His word as to an iron rod. We have His promise indirectly through the prophets (those who have come to know Him as the Father of their spiritual rebirth, their rescue from the fall and their restoration to the sanity of open communion with God). Through those who have sought Him and found Him before us (2 Nephi 33:6; Ether 12:41; Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, pp. 149-151.) And we have His word that He will come to us and endow all of us with His own testimony that our sins are forgiven, even as Enos (Enos 1:5), and that we are saved through His love for us and His merits, being covered in the robe of His righteousness (2 Nephi 4:33). This revelation from Him to us about us marks the fulfillment of His promise, “I will not leave you comfortless; I will come to you.” And to the man or women, boy or girl who receives and believes this core truth–that they are redeemed and received into His own Spirit and Presence–it marks the beginning of a conscious conversation with Him through the veil. These are they who the Father hath given Him, and through their oneness of heart and mind, of feeling and thought, with Jesus Christ, they begin to receive the “words of Christ,” and to remember Him always and to have His Spirit with them always, even as the Sacrament prayer promises every single time we take it.

But this receiving Him into one’s life, this companionship of Christ as one with the Father, and all through the fullness of the Holy Spirit’s greatest gift, is a singular and deeply intimate experience. It is sweet above all that is sweet. Delicious to the entire soul as nothing else is delicious or desirable. And no one can come for another. No one can taste it for anyone else. It is entirely and wholly individual. It is to have Him come for you–and you specifically–in a way that you cannot deny ever again, in a way that lives for you, continually renewed, always in each new present moment. Memories of Him are restored, of your premortal devotion and closeness to Him and to others who were devoted to Him. Promises He made to come to you and to assure and insure your safe return to your Heavenly home and Parents are renewed upon your head. You can never be the same again, even if you continue to struggle with a portion of disbelief as did the man in Mark 9:24. This temporary dumbfounded amazement at His “abundance of tender mercies” (1 Nephi 8:8) does not dissuade Him or disqualify you from being blessed according to that which you desire.

Note: This document was originally written on October 19, 2001 and revised on April 8, 2007. It is not exegesis or commentary. It is my testimony of lived experience. I have lived it and know of myself this doctrine is true. I leave it for the sake of all who suffer from hunger and thirst and have a desperate need for the personal administration of the Savior, Jesus Christ. Seek Him and ye shall find Him. Cry out to the Father and the Father will send Him. He will come to you and deliver you into a newness of life with Him as His own rescued child. I bear witness of these things with my life and in the Name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

What do I do about being an addict–someone who can’t manage life, no matter how hard I try?

The question really is who will I allow to manage my life? Myself, alone? Myself with God’s help? Or God alone?

In other words, there’s self-management.

And then there’s turning to God for guidance and then still trying to carry out His guidance on your own steam or power. Trying to be obedient, good-little children and do only what He tells you. I’ve been there for years, allowing Him to only recover me that much.

But, this time around, He’s teaching me a way so much higher than anything I’ve ever understood before.

Then there’s going to Christ for both guidance and for the power to carry out that guidance. This happens when you go to Him and allow Him to give you His promise of what your life will look like as you continue to turn to him and as you always remember Him and His power and wisdom and your own nothingness, and your own unworthiness (“unworthy creatures”–King Benjamin).

The truth is, you can never work or earn your way out of your unworthy state of being. Your 100% degree of indebtedness to God. You will always be 100% indebted to Him. That’s exactly what King Benjamin is trying to say–over and over. You will be just as unworthy at the end of an entire life-time of feverish effort to feel qualified, to feel like you’ve earned something, as you would if you had never done a single thing.

Then why do anything God asks you to? Go to church, pay tithes, fellowship with others in the church, accept callings, etc. Why?

Because you love Him. Because you love Him. You appreciate Him. You want to please Him. Not so He’ll give you what you want. You obey Him, whether He gives you what you want or not. You can’t help it. You love Him. Love is the strongest feeling of “inclination” there is.

Worthiness. Qualifying yourself. Thinking like that is a lost cause. At least it is for me.
You’ll never make it. We’ve all heard that thought go through our minds. And the “boot-straps” crowd says “Don’t listen! That’s a lie. Just keep trying. Just strive to make yourself worthy!”

But you know what, for someone like me–an addict–hearing that witness isn’t a lie. It’s the truth. It’s the truth that I have to accept. It’s the truth that is convicting me of being 100% in need, no matter how hard I work all day, or all year or for my whole life.

Do you ever feel that way? Do you ever feel the witness in your soul that no matter how much you do, you’ll never be worthy? That it will NEVER be enough. You know why? Because it never will be. The truth is no matter how hard you try, you’re just keeping your nose above water–paying back the breath you breathed all day. You’ll never get ahead with God. You can’t. No one can out love or out perform God in contributing to the sum-total of good.

Worthiness as in qualifying yourself. This is a mistaken idea. It’s not scripturally sound, especially in the light (precepts) of the Book of Mormon.

The truth is Jesus Christ is the light and life that giveth light and life to every one of us. He is the inspirer and doer of every good work, allowing us to be His instruments. He gives inspiration for every good work, and the means to carry it out.

He gives what men find when they seek good.

He allows what men find when they seek evil, and He suffers as they use His means, His gift of life, their inheritance from Him to deny Him and to do evil–even to the extent of killing Him.

How amazing to come to Him and find Him living, and willing to converse with me, willing to manage my life if I will make only one effort–to always remember Him, to be dwelling on Him and His life, pondering His words–written and whispered to me.

It’s one thing to go to Him and ask Him to teach me how to manage my life.

There’s a degree of consecration, though, that goes beyond that. It is to go to Him and ask Him to come into my life and take up His abode with me through the Gift of the Holy Ghost. It is to go to Him and give my life and my will to Him, and let Him demonstrate to me, through me, His life. To let my heart and my mind become His abiding place. To come back to Him, repenting as often as I need to—and I need to so many times its humiliating to admit.

But admit it, I must. I can’t live without Him this close, this time around.
And the consequences? What He will make of my life? I don’t know. I don’t care. I’m not seeking His Spirit for the sake of what He will do for me, but for the simple reason that I love Him, and life is not life without His conscious contact with me just as consistently as I can humble myself to seek Him. “Seek me and ye shall find me, when you seek me with all your heart.” His promise. My choice.

Colleen

Sometimes I try to make up in “exercising faith” what I lack in patience and trust of God. Sometimes I think that if I “exercise faith” long enough and hard enough–bear down hard enough–it will get the Lord to come through for me the way I want Him to, and now.
The truth is, it is really faith in my own will that is motivating my acts of “faith” in God. I pray more, give more service, up my activity—all trying to please Him, trying to do what He’s asked me to do, not because I love Him, but so that I can get Him (manipulate Him?) to do what I want Him to do for me.

This is not trust in Christ.

Trust = faith = patience.

I am beginning to see that it has been me, all along, that has insisted that I be a better person, live a more righteous, perfect life before coming to Christ. I am the one that has been unwilling to walk with Him as He is willing to walk with me—in my imperfection. I have believed the lies of my adversary, Satan, who has told me that God is intolerant and disgusted with me in my dirty, filthy, (Satan’s terms) lost and fallen state (God’s terms). He lied to me about God, and in my fear, I ran from God–I became an “enemy” to God.
I forgot that God was where I came from.

I forgot that I’m not one of the ones who got “cast out” in the fall. I forgot that I followed Christ into this challenging experience. (1 Nephi 8:5-8). It’s Satan that got cast out. It’s Satan’s lies that tell me God is my enemy and that I need to avoid Him. It is Satan that lies to me about God’s true nature and my own true nature and who tries to get me to forget that I was on God’s side from before the world was—and He was on mine.

The testimony of the Restored Gospel tries to remind me of my original relationship with God—both with my Father and with my Elder Brother. It tries to tell me that, even though I am temporarily a mortal and am tempted by my enemy (the Liar, Satan) to be harrowed up by the memory of my many sins, God still loves me beyond comprehension. God still feels this way toward me: “Father, forgive them for they (being veiled and under attack of the Liar) know not what they do.” (Luke 23:34)

The Restored Gospel tries to tell me that I can glory in Christ’s robes of righteousness (2 Nephi 4:33) and that He will wrap me round in them and cleanse me in His blood, His pure love, spilled out for me in Gethsemane, on Calvary and even to this day in His unwavering effort to encircle me about in the arms of His love. (D&C 6:20)

When will I realize that the Savior’s invitation to come unto Him so that He can show me my weaknesses, is not an invitation to shame me or blame me, but an invitation to make my “weak things” become strong as I walk and talk and live my life in His companionship.? It’s a process. It takes time. And He’s the one with the patience and the tender mercy toward me. I am the one with the pride and punitive judgement toward myself. I’m the one unwilling to come to Him until I can feel proud of my accomplishments on my own–before I come to Him. This is yet another lie of God’s enemy and mine–Satan–that has found fertile soil in my heart and mind, in my pride. Again, I must humble myself before my Savior and cry out, “O Jesus, Thou Son of God, have mercy on me.” (Alma 36:18) Here I am again, with another piece of shrapnel that has worked its way to the surface of my soul. Please, remove it from my heart.

And I must not be too proud to come back–as often as I need to–to admit my pride.

No one has any idea what wonders await the person who decides to try this “grand experiment” of putting the spiritual life first. At least, I know, I didn’t.
There’s a stage where we put it first, as if it one of several bases we must attend to. Take care of the spiritual life, first, you think, and then get on to taking care of the physical and emotional and other portions of your life.

And for awhile that seems to be enough, but there comes a day when you are required to live all of your life from the spiritual orientation and perspective. It isn’t something you can take as a quick “treatment.” It’s oxygen and you have to breath it continuously. It’s the sustenance that you thrive on. Nothing else matters as much. And you can’t be at peace without living and moving and having your being in constant companionship—conscious companionship of God. At least, this is what happened to me.

Though virtually all other brands of Christians (and most Mormons) wouldn’t believe it, I became born again, a new “creature” in Christ through finally seeing the teachings and doctrines and the very existence of Mormonism, of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints through the eyes of love, and not obsessed with my own works or worthiness–but focused on the far greater truth of HIS love for me (for us all.)

I admit, I have had to go somewhere else (to 12 Step meetings) to hear the Truth of the Love of God, but then when I came back to Mormonism, with new eyes–eyes opened to God’s love–I found that Truth everywhere.

The Grand Truth is that Mormonism actually represents the most recent rehearsal, the latest extension of God’s unfailing love for His children. It is a restoration, a renewal of His desire to share all that He is and has with us, held out to mankind by the same God that has been following after His children since they left the garden. There is no religion that exemplifies and testifies more of the love of God for mankind than the theology and doctrine of the LDS Church.

But, somehow we (at least I) morphed our response to His offering of love into duty, duty, duty. Here God has come after us again, run out to meet us (succor us) in our need, through the Restoration, and we think He’s come to make sure we’re behaving ourselves properly and working hard in His fields. He has thrown His robe around us, put His ring upon us, His crown on our heads very literally (think of the temple), and instead of cleaving to Him as He longs to cleave to us, embracing Him in sheer, unabashed love–even as He runs to us to love us—we keep Him at arms, we shake His hand very formally, and then hurry back to work. We think that what He wants from us, above all else, in return for our rescue, for our redemption is duty, loyalty, service.

The problem is duty, loyalty and service can be given without the giver ever feeling adoration and affection and affinity, attraction for the one they are serving.

Meanwhile, adoration, affection, attraction, affinity will always bear the fruit of cooperation, loyalty, and emulation. From the inside out. From the heart out.